From Peter Hilton: One area where BPM lags on the maturity curve is the lack of a body of standard BPM jokes. You know, the kind of joke that starts like ‘A business process walks into a bar…’ or ‘How can you tell when there’s a process analyst at the door?’ Is this because there aren’t any good BPM jokes, or have we thus far failed to establish an oral tradition? Anyone know any good BPM jokes?
Once upon a time there were three men: a doctor, a city planner, and an Process Engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.
Then the city planner was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the planner's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the planner was set free.
Finally the Process Engineer was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?"
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the Process Engineer yelled out:
"Let's iterate through this: I have some ideas on how we can improve on this!"
A priest, a doctor and a BPM expert are playing golf. They enjoy the game, however, they have to wait constantly as a group in front of them is proceeding tremendously slow...
As this takes a lot of time, they finally ask the golf course manager who they are. “Ah yes. They are actually a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight when they rescued our golf house last year and now we offer them to play golf for free any time they want."
Very moved by this story and the kind treatment of the golf course manager the priest answered: “Well, that’s truly a sad story, I’ll pray for them tonight…” The doctor reacts as well: “I’ll ask one of my fellow eye-specialists; he might be of some help.” Then the BPM expert comes up with a reaction: “Why can’t they just play during the night?”
True story. Global 10 financial, infrastructure evergreening effort. Fourteen months in the making, four lower environments upgaded, three mock upgrades and one DR exercise prior to the real McCoy being executed. Everyone's on a conference bridge - network, storage, middleware, database, ECM team, BPM team. Everyone knows their role and when they're on deck because the database and storage pieces alone take 16, 18 hours based upon volume. Middle of the second night and those of us who have to be on the entire time are deliriously tired. I try to crack wise and, given the platforms in this evergreening effort, start with "FileNet P8 guy, Image Services guy and an IBM BPM guy walk into a bar...." Before I can finish one of the Image Services people interjects "Fcuk it I'm tired, gimme a beer." Hysterical, delirious laughter from everyone on the phone. Team consensus - best joke ever.
I guess you hadda be there. ;)
More of a parable than a joke, and not as compelling as Patrick's real-world tale. But here it is, nonetheless. Hope you enjoy it!
An agribusiness process analyst working on a cattle tracking application happens upon his rancher client sitting in a remote pasture beside his prize bull.
“I’ve been following your herd out here for hours and hours now, and there’s no signal,” he says to the rancher, waving his cellphone about. “Do you happen to know what time it is? I’ve got to call my office at 3 o’clock.”
The rancher pauses, lifts the bull’s testicles with one hand, squints, and says, “You have plenty of time; it’s only 1:15.”
“That’s amazing!” the analyst exclaims. “You can tell the time simply by lifting your bull’s testicles? How is that possible?”
Spitting with city-slicker contempt, the rancher again lifts the bull’s testicles with one hand, squints, and points ahead with the other. “Town clock tower is right over there.”
MORAL: When doing your research, always be sure to ask “how” as well as “what” and “why.” You might find the explanation to be, well, uplifting!
BPM could be considered a joke itself.
But it's always better to work on jokes every day, than at a bank.
1. How many managers does it take to build a business process in BPM?
“None. Managers aren’t allowed to build a process in BPM.”
2. So, how many developers does it take to build a business process in BPM?
“None. Developers don’t know anything about business.”
3. OK, then, what about business analysts? How many business analysts does it take to build a half-decent business process in BPM?
“Bingo! Only one! But the process will never get built — because no one owns the process and IT-side integration is too expensive . . . “
We often quote the following to customers who seem to believe that BPM terminates with the publication of a paper process map. . .
[i][quote][b]A man wanted to catch a mouse.[/b][/i][/quote]
[i][quote][b]He did not want to invest in a piece of cheese, so he put a picture of a piece of cheese in the mousetrap.[/b][/i][/quote]
[i][quote][b]The next morning when he inspected the mousetrap he found a picture of a mouse[/b][/i][/quote]."
After a colleague complained about the lack of BPM jokes I had no choice but to make some up.
Here’s one to coincide with the Olympics:
[i]Q: Why was the process analyst disqualified at the Olympics?[/i]
[i]A: Because she kept switching swim lanes in the 100 metres freestyle.[/i]
Once I’d started I didn't stop, so here are a couple of BPMN jokes:
[i]Q: Why don’t process analysts make good travel agents?[/i]
[i]A: Because they keep arranging exclusive [quote][b]gateways[/b]instead of exclusive
[i]Q: Why did the process-oriented bank robbers leave the bank from different doors?[/i]
[i]A: Because they had Parallel Getaway cars![/i]
And if you haven't had enough terrible puns yet:
[i]Q: What do BPM practitioners put in their sandwiches?[/i]
[i]A: Processed cheese.[/i]
[i]Q: Why do BPM experts walk slowly in pairs?[/i]
[i]A: They like to process.[/i]
I’ll show myself out…
I use Peter's "A business process walks into a bar…" as a start-event.
BPM walks into a bar and sits down. The barman heads over.
[b]BPM[/b]: How would you like to be busier than you've ever been every night of the week?
[b]Barman[/b]: I'd love it. But how?
[b]BPM[/b]: Well, looking around, I see you have a lot of different types who come into the bar. And I just so happen to be an expert in guarenteeing the desired outcome from people doing something together - even drinking!
[b]Barman[/b]: Oh yeah?
[b]BPM[/b]: Here's what we do. We employ orchestration of drinking for organised groups, choreography of drinking for ad-hoc groups and adaptive case management of drinking for individuals.
[b]Barman[/b]: I have no idea what you're talking about.
[b]BPM[/b]: Exactly. So then you'll have to hire a bunch of consultants and they'll use your bar as headquarters to drink every night.
And they agreed.
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